Friday, June 1, 2012

In 12 more days...

I will turn 34, still young, enough but 40 is like right around the corner. And is scares the crap out of me. Why, you might ask... The honest answer is... Everything scares the crap out of me. Admitting it, and writing it down on here, is causing me tremendous anxiety. I was once fearless, or nearly in comparison to the chicken I have turned into, as I grow older. I don't particularly believe its because I've grown wiser with the years, I believe I have just become lazy and take the easy way out.

I have thrown myself into parenting and being a wife, daughter, friend, Auntie, Grand daughter... The list could go on but the point I am trying to make is I hide behind things that make me completely safe! I am not sure when this totally happened, I believe it was just after my second daughter was born. We went through something, I can't clearly say, I have not fully gotten over and my anger lingers, in often misguided directions. But definitely that is when I put up the "mental" safety bars across my life and as the years progress, I give up my fight and passion.

I wish I could regain my ability to say exactly what I was thinking. But in fear of the repercussions of the verbal garbage that might indeed fly out of my mouth, i gave that up. I am sure some are delighted, i no longer feel the need to partake any longer. But for one dayI would love to say what I was thinking, No FILTER, as I did when I was younger but I have come to know, that must not be my duty in this life.

I wish I could say no, without fear of hurting anyone's feelings or feel like I was letting them down, I honestly feel like if I said "oh NO, I am sorry I can't," something bad will truly happen... Like my karmic balance will be out of whack... Let me tell ya, only thing out of whack in my way of thinking! I often feel and complain openly to those I feel I can too, how doormat must be my middle name, because I am always being walked over, and I know it's because I've allowed it to be. I must work on that...and only I can!

I often run a muck when telling a story and this one is no different! Back to why I am afraid to turn 34... I feel like my life is quickly, I mean lightening speed, passing me by and I have not
even bought my ticket yet! Don't get me wrong, I am truly blessed in every way... No doubt, but I have not lived up to my potential education wise, career wise, or putting me and my best self forward. I tell my girls the world is there to explore and be anything you want, but I only ask you be the best at it you think you can be... Kinda hypocritical don't ya think, coming from ME.

So long story short, another year has passed me by, another opportunity to do something about it again... So to Laura on her 34th, birthday... I give you this... An opportunity to not be afrai, to say no, take a few classes, learn something new, make new friends, join a group by yourself, step out of your comfort zone, use everyone of those spa gift cards you have and not feel guilty your taking time away from your family, to be 34 but feel 24 again!!